vrijdag 1 november 2013

Niets

Ik kan niets.
Een drukke supermarkt.
Een hand geven bij een eerste ontmoeting.
Oogcontact maken zonder daarover na te denken.
Werken.
Leren.
Relaties aangaan.
Empathie tonen.
Mijn gevoelens tonen.
Mijn administratie op orde houden.
Telefoontjes plegen.
Vrolijk zijn.
Zelfverzekerd zijn.
Dapper zijn.
Mezelf tot moeilijke dingen zetten.
Afvallen.
Ontspannen.
Ik kan niets.
 
Ik kan wel.
Mensen ontroeren.
Mensen laten lachen.
Mensen inspireren.
Mensen leren over Asperger bij volwassen vrouwen.
Al zesentwintig jaar iedere dag autisme overleven.
Een elf jaar lange depressie overleven.
Een hond verzorgen.
Simpele dingen koken.
Mezelf verzorgen.
Mijn woonruimte verzorgen.
Een auto besturen.
Dat kan ik wel.
 
Dus noem het maar niets.

zondag 27 oktober 2013

Eenzaamheid

Eenzaamheid is een ziekte.
"Pas op, zij is eenzaam!
Laten we snel door lopen!
Want straks krijgen wij het ook!"

Het even moeilijk hebben,
Of het heel lang moeilijk hebben,
Is niet gewenst.
Ben je niet vrolijk?
Dan zoeken we verder,
Naar iemand die dat wel is.

Want zwaar op de hand zijn,
Kost anderen energie.
Alsof je de levenswil,
Uit een ander probeert te zuigen.

Hou je niet van "goed" weer,
Hou je niet van feestjes,
En van top 40 muziek,
En van een wijntje op z'n tijd,
Dan zoeken we verder,
Naar iemand die daar wel van houdt.

Want wie wil er in godsnaam gezien worden,
Met een neerslachtige kou-aanbidder,
Die haar dagen vult met nadenken,
Of eigenlijk dus gewoon met "niets".

zondag 29 september 2013

Love? What's that like?

I've always wondered.. how it really worked. When people love eachother. I know they do. I just.. couldn't imagine how it worked..

But now I've noticed people crying, because I'm in pain. They seem to be sad, not because they're sad themselves, but because they see that I am. I'm amazed with how compassionate people can be. Maybe that's it. Maybe that's love. Being able to cry over someone else's sorrow..

zondag 22 september 2013

How to get over someone

I can listen to the songs we liked. I can watch the movies and series we watched together. I can think of him, drive the road that goes to his house. I can repeat what he told me, when I said we'd get through this. "No, we won't, I don't want to, anymore.". It doesn't hurt me at all, even though it's been less than a year since he said those words. Shouldn't I be more upset, considering we spent two years together, seeing eachother almost every day?

But when I think of my break up in 2009, four years ago, and I repeat the words he said, "I'm going to meet a friend in Chile", I'm still devastated. Those words still cut through my heart like a knife through butter. Those words still upset me, and make me sad. I begged him not to go. But he left. My heart was shattered, even though I had only been around him physically for four weeks.

I can not remember the fine details of my 2012 ex. I can't remember the way his voice sounds, or the way he smells. I can't remember our moments together. But I do remember everything about my 2009 ex. Everything. Every single moment we had together. Every word, every touch.

Why is it, that some people are easier to forget, that some break ups are easier to get over? They say time heals all wounds. Maybe it does. But some wounds seem to be deeper than others, and seem to be harder to heal.

maandag 16 september 2013

Don't you miss it?

"Don't you miss having a boyfriend? Having someone in your life, being intimate with someone, don't you miss the feeling of being in love?"

Someone asked me this today, and I actually stopped to think about it. Do I miss it? Maybe.. It's just that.. I've had boyfriends, I've been "in love". And it was nice, sure. But the feeling I get when the first snow of the year comes down, the feeling when I open my frontdoor and have the freezing cold hit me in the face, the feeling when my dog looks at me and wags her tail, the feeling when I hear a new Kaizers song for the first time, the feeling when I see the Kaizer-men drum on an oilbarrel using a crowbar, the feeling when I listen to the Norwegian radio, or see pictures taken in Norway, or when my big toe touches Norwegian soil.. Those feelings are a thousand times stronger than the feelings I ever had for my fellow human beings. 

The feelings that were the strongest when I was in relationships were insecurity, jealousy, confusion, anger and depression. Yes, it was nice to have someone hold my hand during my panic attacks. But it's much nicer being alone, and not having someone here to cause those panic attacks in the first place. Yes, it was nice to share a meal with someone, but really, if I want someone farting during breakfast, I can have breakfast with my dogs (or on my own, I'm not afraid to admit that I fart!). Yes, it was nice having someone in the house, but it's much easier to vacuum around the couch without having to lift someone's legs because they're too occupied with their xbox game to even realise they're in the way. Yes, it was nice sleeping together, but it's nicer to wear sloppy pyjamas (really, sexy pyjamas are SO uncomfortable!), have the entire blanket to myself, and NOT have someone snoring in my ear or drooling on my pillow.

I guess I don't miss it.

woensdag 4 september 2013

Adult, female Aspies

When reading about autism, it's often about children. When it's not, it's often about men. I signed up for a theory of mind training, but they couldn't find a group with a woman in it. And that's what they wanted me to experience. Interact with an other adult, female Aspie. I guess we're a rare breed..

Today I found a blog in which they listed traits that adult, female Aspies often have. It's like someone was describing me. So I figured I'd write down the traits that I see back in myself.. Enjoy!

A deep thinker
A prolific writer drawn to poetry
Highly intelligent
Analyzes existence, the meaning of life, and everything continually.
Serious and matter-of-fact in nature.
Everything is complex.
Naïve
Honest
Experiences trouble with lying.
Finds it difficult to understand manipulation and disloyalty.
Easily fooled and conned.
Feelings of confusion and being overwhelmed.
Feelings of being misplaced and/or from another planet
Feelings of isolation
Survives overwhelming emotions and senses by escaping in thought or action.
Escapes regularly through fixations, obsessions, and over-interest in subjects.
Escapes routinely through imagination, fantasy, and daydreaming.
Escapes through the rhythm of words.
Philosophizes continually.
Had imaginary friends in youth.
Imitates people on television or in movies.
Treated friends as “pawns” in youth, e.g., friends were “students,” “consumers,” “soldiers.”
Makes friends with older or younger females.
Obsessively collects and organizes objects.
Mastered imitation.
Escapes by playing the same music over and over.
Escapes through a relationship (imagined or real).
Escapes through counting, categorizing, organizing, rearranging.
Escapes into other rooms at parties.
Cannot relax or rest without many thoughts.
Everything has a purpose.
Sensory Issues (sight, sound, texture, smells, taste)
Feelings of polar extremes (depressed/over-joyed; inconsiderate/over-sensitive)
Eating disorders, food obsessions, and/or worry about what is eaten.
Questions place in the world.
Wonders who she is and what is expected of her.
Searches for right and wrong.
Since puberty, has had bouts of depression.
Flicks/rubs fingernails, flaps hands, rubs hands together, tucks hands under or between legs, keeps closed fists, and/or clears throat often.
Friends have ended friendship suddenly and without person understanding why.
Tendency to over-share.
Spills intimate details to strangers.
Monopolizes conversation at times.
Bring subject back to self.
Comes across at times as narcissistic and controlling.
Shares in order to reach out.
Sounds eager and over-zealous at times.
Holds a lot of thoughts, ideas, and feelings inside.
Feels as if she is attempting to communicate “correctly.”
onfused by the rules of accurate eye contact, tone of voice, proximity of body, stance, and posture in conversation.
Conversation can be exhausting.
Questions the actions and behaviors of self and others, continually.
Feels as if missing a conversation “gene” or thought-“filter”
Trained self in social interactions through readings and studying of other people.
Visualizes and practices how she will act around others.
Practices in mind what she will say to another before entering the room.
Difficulty filtering out background noise when talking to others.
Has a continuous dialogue in mind that tells her what to say and how to act when in a social situations.
Sense of humor sometimes seems quirky, odd, or different from others.
She finds norms of conversation confusing.
Feels extreme relief when she doesn’t have to go anywhere, talk to anyone, answer calls, or leave the house.
One visitor at the home may be perceived as a threat.
Knowing logically a house visitor is not a threat, doesn’t relieve the anxiety.
Feelings of dread about upcoming events and appointments on the calendar.
Knowing she has to leave the house causes anxiety from the moment she wakes up.
She prepares herself mentally for outings, excursions, meetings, and appointments.
Question next steps and movements continually.
Telling self the “right” words and/or positive self-talk doesn’t often alleviate anxiety.
Knowing she is staying home all day brings great peace of mind.
Requires a large amount of down time or alone time.
Uncomfortable in public locker rooms, bathrooms, and/or dressing rooms.
Dislikes being in a crowded mall, crowded gym, or crowded theater.
Sensitive to sounds, textures, temperature, and/or smells when trying to sleep.
Adjusts bedclothes, bedding, and/or environment in an attempt to find comfort.
Dreams are anxiety-ridden, vivid, complex, and/or precognitive in nature.
Longs to be seen, heard, and understood.
Questions if she is a “normal” person.
Highly susceptible to outsiders’ viewpoints and opinions.
At times adapts her view of life or actions based on others’ opinions or words.
Recognizes own limitations in many areas daily.
Becomes hurt when others question or doubt her work.
Views many things as an extension of self.
Fears others opinions, criticism, and judgment.
Dislikes words and events that hurt animals and people.
Collects or rescues animals.
Huge compassion for suffering.
Sensitive to substances.
Questions life purpose and how to be a “better” person.
Feels trapped between wanting to be herself and wanting to fit in.
Imitates others without realizing.
Adapts self in order to avoid ridicule.
Feelings of extreme isolation.
Feeling good about self takes a lot of effort and work.
“Freaks out” but doesn’t know why until later.
Had a hard time learning others are not always honest.
Feelings seem confusing, illogical, and unpredictable.
Confused when others ostracize, shun, belittle, trick, and betray.
Trouble identifying feelings unless they are extreme.
Feels sorry for someone who has persecuted or hurt her.
Situations and conversations sometimes perceived as black or white.
The middle spectrum of outcomes, events, and emotions is sometimes overlooked or misunderstood.
A small fight might signal the end of a relationship or collapse of world.
A small compliment might boost her into a state of bliss.
Likes to know word origins.
High interest in songs and song lyrics.
Remembers things in visual pictures.
Has a remarkable memory for certain details.
Writes or creates to relieve anxiety.
Has certain “feelings” or emotions towards words.
Words bring a sense of comfort and peace, akin to a friendship.
Simple tasks can cause extreme hardship.
New places offer their own set of challenges.
Anything that requires a reasonable amount of steps, dexterity, or know-how can rouse a sense of panic.
The thought of repairing, fixing, or locating something can cause anxiety.
Cleaning may seem insurmountable at times.
Many questions come to mind when setting about to do a task.
A trip to the grocery store can be overwhelming.
Trouble copying dance steps, aerobic moves, or direction in a sports gym class.
Has a hard time finding certain objects in the house, but remembers with exact clarity where other objects are.

zondag 1 september 2013

De wereld sussen

De afgelopen acht jaar heb ik min of meer dagelijks dicht bij Punk geleefd. En de afgelopen acht jaar heeft Punk iedere dag geblaft. Mijn natuurlijk reactie zodra ik een hond hoor blaffen is; "PUNK!", en zodra ik herrie hoor, is dat; "Shh, shh, shh..". Ik hou niet zo van harde geluiden.

Maar een tijdje terug kwam ik erachter dat ik niet alleen Punk sus! Iemands telefoon ging, het geluid stond ontzettend hard, en ongemerkt liet ik een "ssh, ssh, ssh" over mijn lippen heen fluisteren. Ongemerkt bij mij, dan. De eigenaar van de telefoon zei: "Hij staat wel hard hé!". Toen realiseerde ik me dat ik de telefoon had proberen te sussen.

Daarna ben ik er op gaan letten, en jawel. Ik sus de TV, als het geluid nog te hard staat van de vorige keer. Ik sus vrachtwagens die langskomen. Ik sus grasmaaiers buiten. Ik sus de hele wereld, in de hoop dat de herrie minder wordt! 

In hondentaal heb ik eigenlijk een zelf-kalmerend signaal.. De herrie wordt niet minder, ook niet als ik Punk sus, maar ik word er zelf rustiger van. Mensen hebben mij wel eens een controlfreak genoemd. Ik snapte daar niets van, ik heb nérgens controle over. Maar blijkbaar probeer ik wel overal controle over te hebben. Weer iets nieuws over mezelf geleerd, en nu mezelf afleren om de hele wereld te sussen. Wat moeten mensen wel niet denken als ik "ssh, ssh, ssh" tegen een voorbijrazende trein zeg..